Many Faces

I have recently had to reassess things in my life.  Not the life I have with Z and the kids but the people who I am surrounded by.

I have always taken people at face value. I'm not judgemental. I have never been a person that can lie very well or as they say these days FAKE it....I am upfront and very honest.  Direct for more of a better word.  This has not always been in my favour. However I have always felt its a better way in the long run and yet I sometimes have to ask myself did I ever really leave that High school I went to?

I will admit I'm not perfect.  I have gossiped at times and have maybe had a strong opinion on something but never have I gone out of my way to be vindictive, cruel or horrible to people.  Usually I will have it out with someone, we will say what we want and that will either enable us to move on and continue being friends or go our separate ways.

As I get older I like to think I'm becoming wiser, calmer and more understanding.  However this isn't how everyone operates.

I used to think that bullying happened only when you are young, immature, learning about your place in the world.  But I am mortified when I see that it still happens even with adults and older one's at that.

Its either people are dissatisfied with their own lives and have to attack others, some like doing it as it gives them a sense of power and others just do it because they need to make themselves feel better.  Others liken it to a form of sport.

I have been bullied most of my life.  Mainly by women.  Usually its jealousy.  I had to learn to stand up for myself pretty early on in my life.  I was never afraid to physically protect myself if I was attacked and verbally I usually just say my peace and go.

I know how it feels to sit at home crying because really you have done nothing wrong and yet you feel like a loser. 

I remember I loved going out with women more attractive than me who would get attention and then I wouldn't have to worry if I was hated because of it. I could just blend in and do my own thing.  I disliked being judged on the way I looked and people thinking they knew me just by seeing my face once.  If I got up and danced and was happy with a smile on my face I was judged for that too.  If I opened my mouth and discussed something I thought was interesting, I was labelled a know it all.  If too many men paid me attention then the claws would come out.   Its like there was always someone wanting to bring me down.

But you know what?  It didn't destroy me.  It made me angry, emotional and yes I would cry and feel hurt.  However, I have always had a very strong mind.  I allow myself a few weeks of downtime to let the hurt go away and then I pick myself up and move on.  There is nothing that will break me.  Its my way of saying Stuff you ( well the polite way of saying it).

This brings me back to the beginning of this blog about me assessing things in my life.  See,  no matter what age you are and no matter how many times you go through these things you don't always see a snake in the people that are around you.  Even if you think you know what one looks like.  People have many faces.  Some have more than most and others just have two.  The one they want you to see and the one they don't.

Some snakes have the face of an angel.  Magnificent personalities, they suck you in with their charisma and their vibrancy.  They make you feel that you are the greatest human being in the world and that you are their kindred spirit. Its like being drunk or in love.  You are seduced by the way they treat you. You think that you have finally found that friend you can talk to, about anything and everything. They, will always tell you if they are unhappy with something, that they will always be there for you and never ever judge you.  Its like meeting your twin.


And then out of the blue, they turn on you.  No explanation, no reason.  Just because they just don't care.  They don't care about your feelings, they may be  jealous of your life, they can't handle people who they cannot control or manipulate.  You may have said something but they won't bring it up, they will just harbour resentment.  They also choose the most vulnerable time to do it.  Like that final kick in the guts.  They have no backbone and when push comes to shove they don't have the courage.  None at all.   Basically they walk away and kick you to the curb. To me they are cowards and then they like to make themselves look like they were the saints or some kind of victim.    When really all they ever are a evil. Sadly there are many people like this in the world.  It's nothing new.

You really have to ask yourself: Are things just sometimes too good to be true?  Is that person a bit too friendly, are they a bit too infectious, do you really need to bare your soul to someone, do you have time and really can you trust anyone these days?

For me I think that was it.  No more.  I am tired.  I have my kids and so many responsibilities at this time in my life.  I am sick to death of the talking and the negativity.  Of so called people who can talk behind your back but not to your face.  Really are we not passed those days?  I was hoping that how you project yourself is how you are.    I am an adult, I don't have time for childish games.  If someone doesn't like me so be it.  You cannot be liked by everyone.  You want to talk about me go ahead.  At least I'm always in your thoughts.  All I know is that enough is enough.  From now on its out the door.  I won't even be polite about it anymore.  I do not want my children seeing this as an example.

I have many people I call my friends. Some are a constant, others distant but these friendships have been tried and tested.  You go through your ups and your downs but you always find a way to work it out.  You share your happiness, your sadness, birthdays, family celebrations.  You have mutual respect and you know your boundaries.  And no you are not twins.  Unless by birth.

These are the people that are in it for the long haul.  The one's who know who they are and actually know who YOU are. 

I am just glad that I am able to rise above this.  I know deep in my heart my trials and tribulations.  I know what battles I've fought, won and lost.  I know what I can handle and what I can't.  But most of all I know that no matter what the people who create evil, and use it to hurt people are the one's that will be left wondering was it worth it.

I have never met a vindictive person yet that hasn't received their own form of Karma.

I would like to say to anyone out there who has experienced something similar to believe in yourself.  Always remember we were all brought here for a purpose. Some of us have had to work hard for what we have, others not so much and others are brought here to test us.  Somewhere down the track you will be either rewarded or punished.  You will carry the scars but, you will learn from it all.

 In my most down times in life I have always told myself that the pain is temporary that things will always get better and can never be worse than in that moment. That tomorrow is a new day, and so is the day after and so is the day after that.

These experiences shape us.  Make us who we are.  The most important thing is to draw strength and stay standing.

There are two quotes I absolutely adore and I live by and they are:

"Better to die on your feet, than live on your knees"

and

"Better to be hated for who you are, then loved for who you are not"


There is always a bright side and there is always something better.  Next time you feel betrayed by someone just remember, its a reflection of their personality and not yours.  You were just too good a person and they didn't deserve you.


Keep smiling and watch out for those snakes.

Sleep?

I often sit here late at night reading or typing out this blog.  During the day its quite frantic.  I don't get a chance to sit down properly and think. My children make sure I am not left alone for more then a second and I can't hide in the toilet either as they will follow me. 

So I'm left to organize and plan and tick off things from my to do list late at night when everything is quiet and I can focus.

Problem is that when I'm finished (which is never before midnight at the least).  I find myself unable to fall asleep for quite a long time.  This is not something that's only recently come up because of my children.  I have had this issue since as far back as I can remember.  It doesn't matter how tired I am I cannot go to bed early.  I think the only time I was ever forced to go to sleep at 8.30pm was when I was pregnant and suffering from severe afternoon and night sickness.  I didn't have morning sickness. When I feel nauseous I have to lie down and shut my eyes and block it out.  I think this was more passing out then sleeping.

In my teenage and highschool years I remember reading my books or novels to way past midnight.  Sometimes I would finish a book in a couple of nights or a day and I guess I formed a habit whereby, unless I read before going to sleep it just wouldn't happen.  Even then my mind is racing and I'm thinking of 100 things I need to do, want to do and have to do.  I've tried counting sheep, I always have a cup of tea every night either a chamomile or mixture of something that hopefully does the trick.  But its not always successful!

The tv is a nuisance for me.  Z loves falling asleep to the sound of the tv.  I dislike it flickering, dislike people talking on there. Its just noise for me!   But it works for him so he has to either wear earphones or go in the lounge room.  If he starts to snore then there is no sleep for me.  I like to be in a dark quiet room.  No lighting and no movement.  Finally when I do go to sleep I am woken by one of my children.  One wants to cuddle up with us in bed as he's had a bad dream and the other wants to be fed.

At least I could sometimes sleep in on the weekend.   Yes could. Past tense.  There is no sleeping in with my kids ever. Those days are gone.

So how do I remedy my problem.  I need to try and go to bed at least by 10.  Read for about half an hour while drinking my tea and then lights out.  You need to train your body into a routine.  I have done this before and it has worked.  I think sometimes I just want to squeeze everything I can in my day so I don't miss a thing when really the most important thing is for me to sleep well so I can function the next day.

There are some rules to follow for a good nights sleep which is recommended by health professionals. I have tried all of these below and have had some success with most. Here are just a few:

No food consumption at least 3 hours before sleep time.

No Electrical devices such as phones, tvs or radio.  Even when they are off their frequencies can keep you awake.  And don't watch tv for at least an hour before bed. 

No coffee after midday.  Too much caffeine can keep you wired and wide awake.

No caffeinated soft drinks also after midday.  For the same reasons as the coffee.

Try to exercise at least 3 to 4 hours before but not right before bed otherwise you will be pumped to stay awake.  Exercising before bedtime only encourages you to feel less sleepy.

Drink a herbal tea or warm milk mixture to help you relax.

 

Read a light novel or magazine.

Take a few deep breaths in and out and clear your mind.

Wear an eyemask if needed to get complete darkness or keep your room dark.

Make sure you are in comfortable sleepwear.  Something that will not overheat you but keeps you snug.

Change your bedsheets at least once a week.  A nice clean bed will give you incentive to jump in and go to sleep.

Vacuum your bed, the floor and curtains.  Get rid of as many bed bugs and dust mites as you can.

When washing your sheets dry out in sunlight to get rid of dust mites as well.

If none of this works see a a doctor or health professional that may prescribe sleeping pills, but I would use this as a last resort.  There are some vitamin supplements you can take which might be safer. St John's Wort is a good one and Chamomile extract.  I have tried them and they have worked.  I'm not a fan of popping pills constantly.

Where there is a will there is a way.  If you know of any other remedies please share. Who knows we may all eventually get a good night's sleep!

Signing off with this today:  Hopefully one day we will remember the days we had sleep!