I didn't think I'd become a Mother. Not because I didn't want to, but just because my life didn't seem to be going in that direction. I had a couple of failed long term relationships behind me, I was way into my late 30's, and I thought it just wasn't going to happen. I wasn't upset by this. I had my niece and nephew who I spent enormous amounts of time with. I accepted that maybe this wasn't going to be my path in life and I was content and didn't feel I had missed out on anything. My life was full and busy and I was looking forward to whatever the future held for me.
Well, when you least expect it your life just does one big turnaround. Within a matter of 6 years, I have managed to snag myself a partner, give birth to two kids, move to another state and have my life turned upside down. I surprised many people with this including myself! I have had some incredible high's but also some very bad lows. In this time I also lost my father, lost a few friendships and saw some things in people that I thought was reserved for my past. I also have learnt a lot about myself.
It took me about 3 years to realize I wasn't the same person as I was before. At a drop of a hat I could be anywhere. Just grab my keys, my purse and away I'd go. Any party, any event, anything wasn't too much. I could stay up till all hours and I would vary rarely say no to anything. I enjoyed my freedom, enjoyed being out of the house I was never a homebody.
These days it's not as easy to just go on a whim. Firstly organizing babysitting is difficult for me. My only support network ( which is mainly my mum ) lives in another state. So I sometimes ask my children's Godparent's who are always willing to help out as best as they can. But I don't ask all the time. I have also discovered that when you have small children under 4 like I do, people tend to not invite you to as many things as when your single and always available. It's like you now belong to this other club where children's parties and get togethers are the only place reserved for you.
In saying this I also find that when I am out without my children, I am constantly thinking about them. I find it hard to relax as they are always on my mind and I'm always looking at my watch. Whereas before I didn't care when I came home. It's a catch 22 all round.
I feel guilty when I leave my kids and I'm not with them. I made a conscious decision not to work until they started school so I could be with them as much as I can while I can. I spent my whole life from the age of 15 onwards working so really it was a big step for me. But I gave up my career and at first I enjoyed it. Yes it was tiring, and it took me a while to get the hang of it, but my first year or two was good.
But then I started to feel stifled, claustrophobic and a little bit depressed. I started to resent comments like " Oh your a stay at home mum lucky you" like I did nothing all day. I resented some of the higher then though attitudes I received from other Mother's who were working and acted like they were somehow more Superior than me. When really I would think that all mother's would understand each other and empathize with each other's situation's. Some people would even go so far as to say I wasn't contributing, that I just did nothing but paint my nails and watch soapies, that my partner was the hard worker. The poor person who had to work all day, while I just twiddled my thumbs. (Yeah right ). When in reality it was quite the opposite.
I myself am guilty of being one of those people who thought stay at home mother's had the best of it. This was before I had children and knew anything about rearing them. But really in my opinion no mother whether working or at home has the best of it. You are actually doing the best you can. Your trying to keep the house in order, the kids happy, your partner satisfied and a lot of the time there is nothing left for yourself. If couple's survive the first 5 year's of their kids lives then your on a winner. I can see why people split when they have small children. No sleep and you barely have time to talk to each other. When you do get some time out, all you want to do is lie down somewhere. We long for 8 hours sleep. Actually 6 hours would be nice right now!!!
Your job as a Mother is all encompassing. It's 24 hours a day 7 day's a week. No time off, no sick days, no excuses.
I went through a very hard time at a certain stage. You always hear about the Super mother's who have everything under control. Their houses look like museums; spotless perfect. Dinner is cooked, table ready, they are there to greet their husband's, they entertain their kids, they are always smiling, always happy, life is good, no problems, no issues. no worries. They survive on no sleep, they can do the job of 10 people and nothing is too hard.
I'm beginning to wonder whether or not this is a myth. Just like the Loch ness monster. You hear the stories, but are they real??
After going through my dark phase, I turned a corner. Mainly at the beginning of this year. A few things had come to a head for me. It's like I was walking through a fog and had come out the other end. All of a sudden everything became clear.
What had actually happened is I was trying so hard to be this good, perfect mother, I was so focussed on my children and partner, that I forgot about myself. I forgot who I was for a little while. I let certain things slide which I never would have before. I avoided confrontation with people when previously I would have shut down any negativity coming towards me. I just somehow internalized everything. It's like staying at home shut me out. For those that know me would know that this was very unlike me.
I have always been a fighter. My parent's used to joke that I was born with a fist jutting out. That as a child I was severely independent and that I would fight for my right's at every turn. I was protective of my younger brother and my close friends. I would never allow anyone to belittle me and if people gossiped I didn't care. I just went on and did what I wanted because really why care about idiots who had nothing better to do but talk about you. Get a life I used to say. Meanwhile I was out living mine.
So that person has now come back. My hiatus is over. I think with my Father passing away, my second pregnancy soon after ( and not an easy one I might add), certain people's attitude's and behaviour, all affected me as a person and I was too tired to fight back. All I could focus on was getting through the day. I could barely keep on top of things. I just couldn't deal with it all at once.
Motherhood has definitely changed my attitude and thought's to some things and to some people. I have let go of my resentment. In it's place is someone who has learnt that everything in life is a learning curve. That most things are temporary. We are not going to live forever. I have also learnt that I just don't have time for negativity. My kids need me as their rock, their role model and just as their mum.
There are different pressure's and ways to deal with them. My mental toughness has always got me through everything. I look at my beautiful children and thank God for them every day. For all the things that have hit me in the last few year's they are my brightness, my light, my love and my life.
These two little human beings that I helped create are reason enough for me to see that life is full of miracle's. That really if we are un happy or something is not right, not to give into it but to meet it head on and say. "Stuff you" ( or the other alternative ).
I now do give myself some time out. I take Zumba classes twice a week which helps relieve some of my stress. Thursday nights I often go shopping on my own so I can get things done. Every month I get my nails done and a pedicure. Occasionally I will go out with a girlfriend or two. I spend as much time as I can hugging and loving my children. Watching them grow and listening to their voices and funny stories. My daughter has started walking and is saying words. She is quite the character. I see a lot of my independence in her. She's feisty and tough, but sensitive too. A little mini me that looks like her father. My son is my little comedian. He is at that age where everything he says is funny. But he is so smart, intuitive and thoughtful. He's my right hand man.
I feel that this blog post has been a little revealing but cathartic for me. I just wanted to put it out there that not everything is as it seems. If you see a mother yelling at her child or going crazy in a shopping centre then don't judge. Alternatively if you see one that looks immaculate, her kids dressed perfect, her face under control don't assume that all is o.k. Looks can be deceiving. Just don't feel you know someone just because of the way they look.
If you are a Mother yourself or you are the other half of the dynamic duo then be kind to yourself. Be kind to each other. A cup of tea, a nice word, helping each other out or asking for help may relieve some of the pressure's.
If you are doing it on your own, don't beat yourself up and don't be hard on yourself. Find a support network, join a group or turn to your friends.
Whatever your situation there is always somewhere you can turn and there is always someone who can relate to you.
I have now embraced motherhood for everything that it is. Pressures and all. It has made me richer as a person, stronger as an individual and I look forward to everything else I need to tackle and embrace as time goes by.
I will be away for about a month spending time with my loved one's in my hometown of Melbourne so I won't be writing until I get back.
Take care peeps. Hopefully you found some enjoyment or something that strikes a chord with you in this blog post. At the end of the day we are all human.
Seeya!
In a child's eyes, a mother is a goddess. She can be glorious or terrible, benevolent or filled with wrath, but she commands love either way. I am convinced that this is the greatest power in the universe.”
― N.K. Jemisin, The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms
Always a pleasure reading your blogs!
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