Life and Death

Recently there has been quite a few deaths in the celebrity world.  Mostly from drug use and overdoses.  Some from suicide. When I hear about someone taking their own life I am transported back to 1999, the end of my 20's, the end of a century and the end of a life gone way before its time.

Life was pretty fast back then.  Working 3 jobs and partying every other night.  You could say part of it was tough and part of it was fun.  Financially I struggled to pay bills but miraculously managed it all.  I refused handouts. My pride wouldn't allow it and even though there were days I felt alone and depressed, I always knew there was light at the end of the tunnel. That everything would find a way to be sorted out.

But that's me.  Not everyone thinks that way and sometimes for some people there is no light anywhere.  Only a great big, long pit.  A tunnel with no way out and an abyss of darkness.

My friend B was a charismatic, generous, intelligent and all round wonderful human being.  He could make me laugh with his imitations of people and he would astound me with his memory.  He remembered everyone's name after meeting them once, even the difficult ones!  He came from a family of wealth and privilege,  and never wanted materialistically for anything.  He was always there for you, would make sure you were alright and would offer you everything just to make certain you were happy. He was the best friend you could ever have.

But what I didn't know was that B held a dark secret which I only found out much later. Too late in fact.  He was depressed and unhappy with his life. He had been diagnosed with Bipolar (manic depression) and was not managing it.  He was a recreational drug user which only made it worse.  I remember one conversation we had where he said to me "Ana somedays I just don't want to be here, its all too hard"  To which I replied "Don't be ridiculous you have everything you want, your life is not hard at all"

What I didn't understand or forsee was the seriousness of his comment and the gravity of which his depression had taken hold.  A person who gave so much but didn't ask for anything.  He always seemed in control.  Happy go lucky with the occasional off day. He hid his pain and depression very well. That conversation haunts me to this day.  I sometimes don't sleep because I wonder could I have done anything to help him and would he be alive if I just saw the signs.

When I did find out that he had taken his own life, I felt shock, anger, extreme sadness and for days after his funeral I just walked in a daze. I was furious but beside myself at the same time.  I remember his brother telling me to not be angry, to not blame myself that none of us could do anything. But I couldn't help thinking if I had just listened and paid attention maybe just maybe it would have made a difference.

The sad truth is that I most likely would not have been able to do anything.  That someone when determined and when in their dark hour will do what they set out to do.

I was always taught to suck it up when things were tough.  To not feel sorry for myself and to just get on with it.  But even so there were times I even entertained the idea of going away. Permanently. Not  seriously really.   But never could I go through with something like that.   There is nothing worse then seeing your loved one's suffer when you go.  I just couldn't do it to those I know care for me. During B's funeral it struck me just how many people loved and cared for him.  But no amount of love could save him.  For whatever reason he just decided that was it.  He had planned it, he took care of all his finances and left things for his family to find.  He was done.  No Goodbyes.

I have been very ignorant about mental illness.  To me it was a weakness.  I couldn't understand why people couldn't fight it, rise above it.  I always thought killing yourself was the easy way out, that it was selfish and stupid.  But I now see that its a lot more then that.  Over the years I have seen some people get through it with the help of families, friends and therapy.  I have also seen others spiral out of control and never recover.

None of us are born the same, in the same circles or circumstances. Some of us are tough on the outside but extremely fragile and vulnerable on the inside.  I think we should all be mindful of our surroundings.  That we should ask ourselves why this person is the way they are and treat everyone how we would like to be treated.  Never underestimate or overestimate the behaviour of a person and if you see a friend you feel is not coping, ask them if they are ok or just be there for them any way you can.  If you see someone who is coping too well, then that may also be cause for alarm.

For those of us who have children, we can only hope that we can instill in them a sense of self, a strong belief in their abilities and give them the tools to fight their way through this unforgiving world we live in.  Teach them to be strong, to know how to deal with difficult situations and to be compassionate and kind human beings.

B is someone that is very much missed.  Every year I light a candle for him to commemorate his life.  I always hope he has found peace.  He taught me the greatest lesson.  To never take my life for granted and to keep my mind strong.

I would like to think that he would be proud of me and that he knows he was one of my greatest friends.

To anyone out there feeling down and feeling blue.  Tell someone. Tell a friend, a family member. Don't feel you can't open up to someone.  It is hard but its better then battling it alone.  You can also call a hospital or a lifeline number and they will talk with you.  Don't despair and don't sit there thinking you are better off not here.  Chances are there is always a better way and you can get there with a little help.

It doesn't matter if your a celebrity or your average Joe, at the end of the day we are all people no matter where we are from.  No one is invincible, and no one is made of stone.  We all have problems that need dealing with, we just have to push through them and get onto the path that's meant to be.

 You will get there.  Just fight!  Fight for your life and know you need to be here.  The world is a better place for having you in it.

Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.

Joseph Campbell

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/j/josephcamp384345.html#CyRzsK0Xq6b5Bdia.99

Find a place inside where there is joy and the joy will burn out the pain:  Joseph Campbell