Boundaries

In life we are always told to know our boundaries.  Whether that be in the playground, at work, our everyday relationships, with strangers and in our families.

We are taught to respect our elders and speak accordingly, be polite have manners and know when to speak and listen.  There is certain behaviour that is deemed acceptable and there is a natural order of how to do things.

Not everyone is taught these skills I must admit.  Or people from different backgrounds, ethnicities, religious groups and upbringing have a different view on what this is.

  What is right for one person isn't another.  What someone considers personal space another person considers their right to invade.  Some children don't feel they owe their parents an explanation for their behaviour. Some adults feel they can say what they want when they want without consequences.  Some people don't believe in loyalty to anyone not even friends.  Others just believe walking away is the answer.  Others still are fearful and judgemental.  Not willing to look outside the box and see that not everyone is the same.  That being different isn't a bad thing and not everyone was born to fit into society's conforms.  Where should the line be drawn?

I have had many debates with friends and family members on what is the right way to bring up a child.  Do you give them freedom and space and let them develop with their own will.  Allowing them to form more of a friendship with you then you being the authoritarian.  Or do you set boundaries, have rules and teach your children that you are the parent not the friend and there are ways to behave and show respect.

I favour more of the latter.  From the experience of people I know and their relationships with  Mother's and Father's and what I have seen going down the friendship road has not always been ideal.  The intention to mean well is there but somehow all respect goes out the window.   I was brought up with the notion that your parents are just that.....your parents.   Friends come and go. But your mother and father will always be there no matter what.  It is the Holy Grail of all relationships and in most cases your very first one.  You give respect, you don't answer back, you listen and you abide by the rules of the house until you reach adulthood.  Then when you have come of age you can make your own decisions and hopefully learnt enough to go on your way.  I have also realized as I have gotten older that this has worked for me in many ways, that learning these boundaries has made me a tough and responsible individual. Through trial and error I have managed to make this part of my life but in no way has it limited my freedom.  It has actually enabled me to be freer then I imagined.

My father was the main authoritarian in our household.  If you did not follow the rules or you overstepped your mark you knew about it.  He was a tough disciplinarian.  However he was a good teacher. He prepared us for the hard times, he gave us skills to be strong and responsible and he taught us many things about life and people.

I am lucky that even though my father could be a hard man he was also very good at allowing me to be the adult when the time came.  It was like all these years of hard work and discipline paid off.  He allowed me to make my own decisions and learn from my own mistakes.  But he was always there in the background if I needed a hand. (Although I was too stubborn to ask for it).

 Many times in my young adulthood and latter years all the things he said to me or repeated to me over and over really came to mind.  We don't often look at our parents as people who know what they are talking about. We forget they were once in our shoes and we forget all the struggles they went through.  We always think "Gee why are they making it so hard" but really everything I was taught or spoken to about was in one way shape or form an experience they had before me or something I could learn and take with me.

I am glad I didn't look at them as my friends.  Because if I did that, we may not have had such a good relationship.  I may not have known how to value them or understand them.

Boundaries I feel are needed especially in early forming years of children's lives.  They need guidance, routine and a sense of security.  We didn't have to worry about bills or mortgages.  There was always food on the table and a roof over our heads.  My father would allow us to go out but we had to set our own curfews and we had to make sure we stuck to it.  My parents gave us the tools to be strong and independent but to always know how to behave in every circumstance. 

I'm not saying there were not times we tested our mother and father.  There were a lot of those times especially from me.  I questioned everything, demanded answers and even when disciplined would fight for my rights.  I always used the excuse that I was a good student, behaved well and didn't deserve the discipline.  But my parents were right on every occasion.  Especially with my father's words of " You will see when you become an adult how tough the world is out there and how hard it is to be a parent"  And I must admit he was right, right about it all.

My father is no longer with us.  He passed away in 2011 unexpectedly at the age of 62. I am sad he is not here to be with my children and pass on his wisdom, he would have made one hell of a grandfather and he was for a short time before he was taken from us. 

But,  I am his daughter, and as my mother always says I am exactly like him in many ways.

So in my household my children will know they have a Mother and Father.  That above all we are their rock, their security, and the people they can come to for anything. We will be there for them through thick and thin and never abandon them.  They will learn in time that some friendships are not meant to be.  That they cannot always rely on other people.  That first and foremost they need to rely on themselves and know they have us there as support. Always.

I would like my children to grow be strong, kind, open minded people, with confidence and a sense of self, knowing we are there to guide them all the way.   When the time comes and physically we are no longer here, I can only hope we have given them enough skills to contribute and participate in this big sometimes unforgiving world.  Hopefully they will know their boundaries.

I'm not sure if everyone agrees with me and I don't expect that everyone does. But let's revisit this topic in about 20 years and I will let you know if I have been successful.

I will sign off with this which I think sums it all up: